Overcorrecting

I used to work hard. Then vacation hard. Rinse and repeat.

Many of the ~100 friends who flew down to the private beach hotel in Jamaica for my 5-day wedding extravaganza have since called it “the wedding.” It was indeed epic. As was the road trip from NYC to Panama one summer, the year off in Australia in Indonesia, the 3 months in Hawai’i, the year in Costa Rica, the summer in Europe, the summer in Argentina...

It was all compensating for the literal ~80-hour weeks I worked, exacerbated by the nonstop ‘what-if’ planning and scenario mapping happening in my head, that presisted even into sleep and dreams.

While both “Work Andy” and “Vacation Andy” (actual names given by friends) were highly celebrated, this is not healthy. Binge thinking, binge doing followed by a different type of binge doing, binge consuming. Eventually I needed binge isolating to rebound. Fully draining the battery. Then desperately trying to refill it, knowing deep down that letting it go all the way to empty deteriorates its capacity over time.

Fueling all this was my drive to always say ‘yes’ — to the work, to the person...FOMO, abiding in the ‘should’, in the wants. A slave to others, to the senses. Always anticipating, bracing. It’s so freaking exhausting!

I was actually forbidden from using the word ‘no’ in the household growing up. It was a punishable offense. ‘Yes’ was the cost of love, attention, praise. Hungry for that, boundaries were, needless to say, absent from the vocabulary. It’s a word I truly didn’t understand, might as well have been Greek 🤷🏼

So, as you might guess, the overcorrection there, too — taking it out, anger, rage, resentment.

Also...not healthy 🙃

What then, do we call this so-called middle ground, standing upright?

Integrity.

As we sway, we simply notice, with compassion, which side we’re on. Still on that side, we take a few deep breaths. We resist the urge to blame or indulge, to move into drama. We swallow the retaliatory narrative on loop, the desire to hurt another. We instead take responsibility, “ohhh...”

The ego will protest at first.

Then it might feel like a gut punch inside.

Keep going, allow it, feel the feeling. Not fighting it anymore. Not as a victim.

This is healthy.

From a place of calm, we ask ourselves what we need — maybe it’s rest, a hug, a workout, a scream, a walk in nature, time with a good friend, to play. And we give ourselves this. In a way that harms no being, self or other.

The boundaries we practice (‘set’ feels like a violent phrasing and misrepresents what they are at the core) come from a place of love. And are mostly with ourselves. Resisting unwholesome temptations — scrolling, stroking our egos with work or helping others too much, repressing our needs, etc. Most of the time these boundaries are silent. If you’re screaming about them to others, you’re doing it wrong!

And there does come a time to practice them with others — “Can we talk about something that’s been on my mind?”

If you hear in response, “ummm sure?” (this is what’s called a “soft no”, honor it), notice what happens in your body, and then in integrity your response will probably be, “hmm…I’m noticing feeling a little uncomfortable right now, maybe we can try again another time.”

If and only if we get a solid, clear ‘yes’, we proceed — “I’m telling you this because I want a closer relationship with you. I know you care...and...this <short, objective description of thing> is difficult for me. When it happens, I feel myself putting up a wall between us, becoming angry. What I really need is <blah>, and I feel <sad|scared|angry> when I don’t receive that.”

If this backfires, you most likely still showed up with blame, tension still in your own body, mind…which the other will feel and react to (no matter how much lipstick you put on the words you chose). It tends to take years of practice of both this skill as well as mindfulness meditation (where we learn how to fully feel and allow these uncomfortable sensations inside) to begin to communicate in a healthy way. If you didn’t have one of those rare amazing families growing up who taught you this, then, you can commit as an adult, now. Start meditating daily, and learn and practice this through your relationships — problems in relationships aren’t problems, they’re opportunities to grow. Truly. See this.

Now sometimes, a well-communicated need won’t be received. In which case, we have new information. This person either won’t or can’t meet us...now. It’s even more important to maintain responsibility, here — provided I’m aware of this fact, how do I want to proceed, adapt my relationship with this person? Double down on your commitment to not blame, or even more a la mode these days, to cut the person off completely (this option should be very rarely exercised, in extreme circumstances…where it can have its place).

With practice, over time the swings of the pendulum decrease in magnitude; it slows down; and if we’re doing it right, it completely stops at times, maybe just for moments at first. The periods of weightlessness can extend for hours, days, weeks — while continuing to show up in the world, earning a living, being a part of community. But regardless of how long the pauses lasts, time stands still. For this place is presence, peace, enlightenment. It’s eternal. We’ve all tasted it. And it’s a practice; it’s a choice.

What do you choose?

Me? There’s not so much of a difference anymore between a ‘work’ day, a weekend day, a vacation day in my body, mind. Whether I’m brushing my teeth, preparing food, meeting with a client, walking through the jungle with Barkley to go surf, spending time with a friend…there’s a smoothness to it all, a flow, a peace, joy. This is possible.