What Is Healthy Masculinity?

These days we have plenty of examples of what healthy masculinity is not — just turn on the news…or walk into a random office! Dudes (and chicks) crushing quotas, knowing all the answers. It’d probably be easier to just equip conference rooms with measuring sticks!

But we’re not left with so many popular examples showing what is healthy masculinity? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself for years. And that we explored for another in men's group. I think asking the question was a step in the right direction. And leaving space for not knowing was another.

In this don’t-know mind, I began noticing a more gentle strength, in the ways different men, many of whom I’d known for some time, were showing up in my life.

Dan and I were neighbors for a couple years. Eighty-something, tried-and-true Texan — thick accent, weathered skin, long white hair, back covered in prison tattoos, left pinky finger missing after crushing it on an oil rig in his twenties…before working the rest of the day, no less. I dropped by to see him last month as I was leaving Texas, and the final thing he said to me was, “I just love you so much, Andy.”

Not coffee in the morning thermos…

Or the random guy working construction in the blazing heat of Costa Rica who stops working and absolutely melts as I walk by with Barkley, “ayyyy que perrito mas lindo...es hermoso, como se llama?”...“awww what an absolutely beautiful dog, what’s his name?” ← this literally happens weekly

As I became aware of all the toxic (and celebrated!) “strength” inside me many years ago — the relentless grind and “confidence”, the tension — and slowly began to thaw, I became afraid of all masculinity, rejecting it entirely. I’m p sure that isn’t the way, either!

So what is healthy masculinity?

I’m coming to believe it’s a type of effort, strength…that’s motivated by love...versus anger, (self) hate.

In the words of Jungian analyst, Irene Claremont De Castillejo…

“In those rare moments when all the opposites meet within a man, good and also evil, light and also darkness, spirit and also body, brain and also heart, masculine focused consciousness and at the same time feminine diffuse awareness, wisdom of maturity and childlike wonder; when all are allowed and none displaces any other in the mind of a man, then that man, though he may utter no word, is an attitude of prayer. Whether he knows it or not his own receptive allowing will affect all those around him; rain will fall on the parched fields, and tears will turn bitter grief to flowering sorrow, while stricken children dry their eyes and laugh.”

— Knowing Woman — A Feminine Psychology

I think it's similar with the healthy and unhealthy feminine — openness, receptivity motivated by love…versus by fear, which gives way to fawning.

There’s this belief in modern society that everyone can (and should!) be everything, a byproduct of the Western myth of individualism. Not surprisingly, over the last decade, I feel like there’s been an inversion where more and more men are fawning, being overly sensitive, becoming victim; whereas, more and more women are hardening, taking on the role of villain — a pressured overcorrection that's devolved into an internalization of shadow.

I think it’s fair to say men generally embody more masculine, women more feminine. What if we each accepted and nurtured both sides of our individual makeup…and collaborated?

I love when my male clients appropriately build things like openness and empathy into their team values, start board meetings with silent meditation, open conversations with a genuine curiousity in how the other is. And kindly stand up for what's right. While maintaining the garden at home, sharing sunset photos with friends, taking a primary role in their kids’ lives, household upkeep.

As well as when my female clients give confident “no”s, push back from a place of love, while making space for the humanity of their teams, their families. When they lead from the heart — soft front, strong back.

As I continue to practice cultivating more healthy masculine energy, I learn lots in meditation — like when the mind is too loose, wandering lots…I bring in a kinder firmness, mental noting like softly naming “thinking…”, or unhurriedly counting breaths.

This has unfolded into the now default refrain when I hear the inner critic pipe up — there’s an internal “No.” towards it, kind, firm. Followed by a more gentle, “it’s okay buddy…” to the little guy inside. As important as soft compassion, fierce compassion.

Or when I’m particularly scared — letting myself feel it…and later doing some pushups, jumping jacks, squats to help myself feel strong in my body again, redirecting ego as it’s tempted towards aggression.

Same same with sadness — do something nice for myself after having been with it for a minute…hang with Barkley or a friend, tell them what’s up, maybe play a game later.

And practicing cultivating healthy feminine, I also start on the cushion — listening meditation, receiving, softening. Noticing the quality of hearing whether there’s sound or silence. Bringing that into conversations, practicing taking the back seat.

More than anything, I'm pretty sure balance is at the center of it all, yin and yang.

How do you see all of this? I’d love to hear in the comments…