Since I was a kid, I’ve found it hard to rest. Work first, play later, then relax. While I understand this patterning deeply, have sat with it for thousands of hours in meditation, have undergone extensive therapy, it continues. It’s waning. But it’s far from gone.

I used to beat myself up for it. That phase lasted several years.

Then I coddled it. That lasted another few.

Now, I’m curious about it. How is this actually serving me? In present day? What very real, unmet needs do I have that it, albeit unskillfully, meets?

Rest!

When I’m tired, I’m simply out of fu$&s to give. I just don’t have the energy to keep performing, people-pleasing, clenching, controlling, burning from both ends. What a relief! Because life's too short to rush.

Between the physical pain of the fatigue and the slower brain function, I finally can’t not be present anymore. I’m more gentle with myself, more accepting. It’s a bit of a psychedelic journey.

Run to rest, ironic, eh?

Well, so too is this subconscious we have installed 🙃

These last couple months in the States, there’s been an intense resurgence of old childhood patterning — no morning surfs getting me out of bed, mayhem in the news and in the grocery store. I’m finding myself staying up late, watching a show, scrolling, having a snack.

So, I’m rolling with it, riding the waves ← definitely not as fun as the pretty blue warm tropical ones…and…it feels important, good. I’m no longer running from it, no longer forcing it into submission. I’m finding a lot of care for the little guy who was home alone that summer of fifth grade and self-soothed every morning sitting in mom’s rocker, watching the shows she liked, eating the microwave meals she indulged…until he was so full and zombied out by the mid afternoon that he felt sick and could only curl up with his pink blanket and lay in bed.

If you notice an “awwww” coming on, please don't pity! I'm no longer drowning in it; I feel solid with it all. I accept my past and appreciate the sensitivity it nurtured in me, who it makes me today. I wouldn’t trade it. I tell this story in the hopes it sparks you to look at your patterning — what’s underneath? What’s happening with the little one when you’re in the shit? As you read about hardship?

At its core, rest is one of the most basic forms of self-love. Because, let’s be honest, that’s what all this rushing is all about…doing, achieving, performing…it’s how we got the head pats as kids, students, athletes. And what are head pats? Attention. And what’s attention? It’s the currency of love (thanks, Tara Brach).

So, what’s the move?

Give myself more rest before I burn out. And love. But not all at once — can't quit cold turkey! Baby steps. Lay down on my deck in the sun in between clients. Call a friend and shoot the shit at the end of the day. Watch a funny TV show I actually like and just let myself enjoy it. Because maybe that’s one of the best ways I still know how to rest — we start where we are.

And when I don’t give myself the rest I need?

Just be aware of it, mindful. “I’m working thru this break. And I’m tired. And I want to take a break. And I want to finish this thing.”

Or, “I’m watching this next episode because it just came on and eating this because it’s here and none of it really feels good and I just kind of feel bluh.” And sending care back in time to the little guy.

See, thing is, we don’t have to think about taking our hand off the hot stove. We just allow ourselves to actually feel the burn, and then the hand naturally retracts. Magic! Same same with the rest 🥁 of life. Allow fully feeling it, it fades.

It’s a bit easier said than done, I must admit. Meditation helps lots 👌🏻

So here’s to some rest and mindfulness and compassion.

Any bets on my current level of fatigue as I’m writing this 😉? Anyone??

If you’re constantly exhausted, burning out, and would like some support, drop me a line — coaching people thru this phase is my sweet spot…and on the other side is a whole new world you’d never believe existed, where there’s peace, flow.

Aren’t you tired?

Run Hot? How Being Tired Serves Us